That picture with the Panda makes me hot!! Does that mean I've got what it takes to be a Marine?

signed,

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'm afraid you have what is clinically called a disease called Panda -Humpalotomus, that really doesn't qualify you to be a Marine. It will also disqualify you from working in the zoo. However I do hear that certain doctors in Thailand can change you into a panda, or a mexican for a small fee. Whichever side of that bizarre love triangle you choose to take part in feel free. Hopefully my advice has been of some help.

Sincerely

J.m (Julio)

Dear Kittie,

J.M. and I sat down and read the letter you mailed... We're both going to put some input in on this one. I tried to get in touch with my feminine side for a second and realized I was getting a little too carried away when J.M. walked in on me painting my nails and reading Glamour. Regardless, here's my take on your situation: The former fiancé' sounds like he's using a very immature defense mechanism to deal with the break up the two of you went through. I'm not sure if you've tried confronting him about the things he's saying. If you haven't, you should. Be the stronger, more mature person here, and maybe one day when he pulls his head out of his ass he'll realize how immature his actions were. If mis-informed people approach you with rumors they've heard from him, set them straight. If they hear you out and take the time to get a different perspective of you, they'll prove themselves as worth while friends. If not, forget about them and rely on your true friends to back you up and support you. In the interim, go out, party your keister off like its 1999 (but not really because that already happened), and try to take your mind off things. You're young. Have fun and enjoy the adventures life has to offer. If you get bored, hit me and J.M. up and we'll take you out with our crew for some sweet Japanese party-age.

The man with the Tan in Japan,

Dave

Dear Kittie,

Dave and myself, though licensed internet reverends, are not actual advice guru's. We pretend for the sake of cheap humor at our own expense. However, you actually seem to be looking for advice so we are making our responses known. Basically, your ex sounds like he's insecure. He's hurt and doesn't agree with your decision. As long as you are happy with it, that's all that matters. When you hear stranger being rude, ignore them. Strangers are dumb... that's why they always use rusted black vans to abduct innocent children (my parents still tell me not to talk to strangers, especially when they have candy and smell like chicken soup). As for your friends, they know you and I'm sure they'll do the same thing mine do... harass you when you least want it and defend you when you most need it, or more importantly, take you out and force you to have a good time. Believe me I know (after all, my arm is in a sling, and they make me go out when all I want to do is drink paint thinner and relax). Mostly what I'm saying is, it's hard to ignore the crap that you may hear from others, but if they are so closed minded to use another persons prejudices against you, without hearing your side of the story or actually meeting you, they don't matter. So go out, have fun, and just enjoy yourself. Everything will get back to how you want it.

Sincerely,

J.M. (Julio)

~I choose to remain anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

From the sounds of it, you have yet to fully embrace the true joys of drinking. Wandering any hallway in a drunken stupor is a blessing (trust me, I'm a liscensed internet Reverend), think of all the children in Haiti who can't find anything to drink, or have tried to drink paint-thinner (not that I'm knocking paint-thinner for you fans of the raw alcohol flavor). Perhaps you should try a different quality of alcohol. If beer is what is bringing you down, then move on... it's not the beer's fault that you are not enjoying it... it is your fault.

Sincerely

J.m. (Julio)

March 18th 2004,

advice for anonymouse from jbugg....quit being a (the word that was originally here was ommitted due to its explicit content.  Jbug has a very dirty mouth. ~dave) and find a ho.

March 18th 2004,